Why Deep Breathing Isn’t Enough (and What Actually Helped)

I used to beat myself up for not being “calmed” by deep breathing.

I’d sit in a quiet room, inhale for four counts, exhale for eight, and still feel like my skin was buzzing and my thoughts were sprinting.

When I asked for help, people told me to “breathe through it.”
But the truth is, when your nervous system has been stuck in survival mode for years, deep breathing is like giving a drowning woman a snorkel.

Helpful? Maybe. But not the full rescue she needs.

Why Breathing Alone Isn’t Enough

🔁 Regulation ≠ Relaxation

Deep breathing is often marketed as a one-size-fits-all tool—but for trauma survivors or chronically dysregulated folks, it’s not a magic button.

Here’s what no one told me:

• Your body has to feel safe before it can respond to breathwork

• Sometimes slowing down feels more dangerous than staying activated

• Nervous system regulation is layered—it’s about repatterning, not just relaxing

🧰 What Actually Helped Me (and Might Help You)

Instead of forcing myself to breathe the “right” way, I started getting curious about what brought even the slightest sense of relief or grounding.

Some of the things that helped:

• Squeezing a towel or my arms while breathing (adding pressure = safety)

• Instead of “calming” breaths, take in to really fast breaths through your nose OR take in one full breath (until you feel you can’t let any more air in, and then force one more quick inhale followed by a long exhale

• Letting myself pace or jump up and down instead of freezing

• Using rhythm—tapping fingers, walking, stirring a cup of tea—to regulate gently

• Journaling before trying to meditate (to clear the noise)

• Naming what I felt out loud: “I feel tight,” “I feel scattered,” “I want to move”

Every nervous system speaks a different dialect. You don’t need to silence yours. You just need to learn to listen.

Pro tip from someone who was there for a loooong time: Get your mental magnifying glass and look for that split second of “ahhhhhh.”

I remember trying a regultation exercise over and over and getting terrified that I couldn’t feel what I was “supposed to.” It was a heart coherence practice to simply focus on someone that you love or a moment that you felt grateful for and breathe it into your heart. And I couldn’t FEEL anything. I could THINK gratidute and love but felt nothing. It terrified me and I thought I was broken beyone repair.

Until one day where I had a literal micro second of feeling. I focused on that mini-moment, blew into it, watered it, danced around it and remembered it in all the coming times that I once again felt nothing.

Eventually, that micro second, grew into a full second. It stopped being so elusive. It started feeling safe enough with the space I created to show up and stay for a while.

The tiny little flickers are not proof of failure- but proof of all the life ready to burst from you. Create the space. Be gentle. And trust that it will come.

Tools That Help with Regulation

If you’ve felt broken because the calming tricks didn’t work—you’re not broken. Your body is brilliant. You just need tools that meet it where it is.

Try these soft but powerful supports:

🩶 Let It Go Journal – Prompts for emotional release + nervous system support
🩶 Permission to Pause – A 30-day journey into rest, release, and reconnection
🩶 Toxic Positivity Detox Workbook – Ditch fake healing, start real regulation

Plus: Spark Starter Kit — a free gentle hub with rituals and tools that don’t require you to "fix" yourself first.

You’re not bad at healing. Or so broken that you can’t be fixed.
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re just learning to speak your body’s language—and that is sacred work.